If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
worst night to have a conscience
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
