I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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