apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
