i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
