At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
