fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
