I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
