My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize