So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
