Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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