just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
