I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
