Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize