I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
