if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
