Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
