I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
