you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
