I would go down on you faster than GM stock
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
