She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I cockslap morals
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
