Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
