woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
