I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
