I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
