I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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