You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
