The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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