meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
