I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
