then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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