Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize