I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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