I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
