Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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