i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
