The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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