So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You took a bar mat shot.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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