'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
