Just fell off a train. Bad.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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