sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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