So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're a waste of cheezeits
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
