Need sex. Gaining weight.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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