my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
