May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
