Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Drunk is not a location!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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