Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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