also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
