my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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