Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
