the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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