He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
