Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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