Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
