so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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