Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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