The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
