And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
