I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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