I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
