i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
